yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
