Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
