I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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