I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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