Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
