I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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