I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
