I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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