i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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