I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
