Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
