Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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