it was like getting a handjob from robocop
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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