I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
only if we run a train.
done.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
