I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
