I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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