I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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