I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
