Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
