cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
