when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
