something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
