he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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