My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
