People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
