***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
