I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
