I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
