Your face is a jimmy john
the condom got lost in my hair
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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