We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
