My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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