Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I did not marry a roomba.
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