My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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