Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
