I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
