I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
