i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
