I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
