I looked at my own cervix.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My vagina is officially offended.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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