are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
