I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize