he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
