Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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