my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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