Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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