I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
