I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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