3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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