Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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