She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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