this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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