Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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