Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
