when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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