Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
