Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
