I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
