just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We left the knife in your bed.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
