I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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