Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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