Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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