Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
